it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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