i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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