STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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