Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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