When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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