I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
