I can text with my tongue
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
