I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
