bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
