we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He better not be in your backpack
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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