I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
