I heard we made out
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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