At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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