I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
