I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just want to make out with him forever
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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