I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
