i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
