Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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