I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
