if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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