my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
