You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
