I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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