p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
