good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
