I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
