omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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