Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
