you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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