im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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