weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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