You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
