I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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