apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
