my vag is so smooth its legendary
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Someone signed my nipple.
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