I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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