you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
