so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
