Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
