Apparently you make a good broom.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
