just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
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why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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