dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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