I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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