Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
