Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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