dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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