we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Drunk is not a location!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
