found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
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Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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