she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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