she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
