i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
