well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
