the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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